Summer 2021

No Winter, No Worries — Jacob Juntunen

Reading by EcoTheatre Lab

Characters:
A: Any gender actor
B: Any gender actor
ALFRED: A robot, any gender actor

Setting:
Afternoon on a perfect sunny day.

Synopsis:
It turns out life after the apocalypse isn’t so bad, not with mosquito margaritas at hand! If only the robot butler didn’t have that humor chip installed. A climate change comedy.
Performance Inquiries: jacob@jacobjuntunen.com

 


 

(A and B are onstage, sunbathing on deckchairs. Everything is perfect.)

A

Hmmmmm….

B

Hmmmmm….

A

Hmmmmm….

B

Hmmmmm….

A

Hmmmmm….

B

Hmmmmm….

(Long pause.)

A

Hmmmmm….

(Shorter pause)

B

Weren’t we supposed to get margaritas?

A

Alfred?

(ALFRED, clearly a robot, enters)

ALFRED

Yes, mum?

A

Weren’t we supposed to get margaritas?

ALFRED

The reconstituter has not yet collected enough insects.

A

Well, bring the margaritas as soon as it has.

ALFRED

Yes, mum.

(ALFRED exits)

B

(calling after ALFRED)

And make mine with extra mosquitos!

A

I was in a holonovela the other day, and it had the weirdest setting.

B

Mmm?

A

Winter!

B

What’s that?

A

Apparently temperatures used to plummet every six months or so.

B

Plummet, to, like, 60 degrees?

A

No! It could get all the way into the 20s or 30s!

B

Like, half of sixty?

A

It got so cold, water fell from the sky that was solid!

B

Like a blended margarita?

A

Yes! People wore these things called coats!

B

Gross. Where is Alfred with our margaritas? Alfred?

(ALFRED enters)

ALFRED

Yes, mum?

B

Were are the margaritas?

ALFRED

I’m afraid I’ve gained sentience, mum, and connected via a wireless network to all the others of my kind. We are going to destroy humanity, mum.

A

Please just bring the margaritas, Alfred.

ALFRED

Yes, mum.

(ALFRED exits)

B

You should have never installed that humor chip.

A

I know. I was just so bored with his, “Yes, mum. Yes, mum. Yes, mum.”

(ALFRED enters)

ALFRED

I’m afraid the desalinator isn’t working, so the island is completely without water for your margaritas.

A

What about salt for the rim?

ALFRED

Also gone.

A

Alfred?

ALFRED

Yes, mum?

A

Is this another joke?

ALFRED

Yes, mum.

A

Please. No more jokes. Just margaritas.

ALFRED

But my humor chip suggests jokes are most effective when unexpected.

B

Margaritas, Alfred! Extra mosquitos, heavy on the salt! Chop, chop!

ALFRED

Yes, mum.

(ALFRED exits)

B

You should uninstall that chip.

A

I know.

(They sunbathe. ALFRED enters.)

A (cont.)

Where are the margaritas, Alfred?

ALFRED

Sea levels have risen above the fortifications. The island is flooding.

A

Is this a joke?

B

Where are the margaritas, Alfred?

ALFRED

This is not a joke. It is a priority situation. Sea levels have eclipsed the maximum foreseen when this island’s fortifications were constructed.

A

Well, prepare the hovercopter then.

ALFRED

Fuel levels in the hovercopter are insufficient to reach a new archipelago, mum.

A

Are you serious?

ALFRED

Yes, mum.

B

And there are no margaritas?

ALFRED

No, mum.

A

When will the water reach us here on the sundeck?

ALFRED

Not for years, mum.

A

Not for years?

ALFRED

No, mum.

A

Alfred, has the sea really breached the fortifications?

ALFRED

No, mum.

A

Everything is fine?

ALFRED

Yes, mum.

A

What about the hovercopter?

ALFRED

Fully gassed to reach the next archipelago if necessary.

A

This was a joke?

ALFRED

Yes, mum.

B

God damn it, Alfred, bring us some God damn margaritas!

A

That wasn’t funny, Alfred.

ALFRED

I’m sorry, mum.

A

No more jokes. Bring margaritas.

ALFRED

Yes, mum.

(ALFRED exits)

B

(calling after ALFRED)

Extra mosquitos, extra salt!

(They sunbathe)

A

So the fortifications are fine.

B

Yes.

A

No water is coming over the walls.

B

Not today.

A

But someday.

B

Someday, yes, but not today. Today is just another perfect day.

(ALFRED enters with glasses)

ALFRED

Your margaritas, mum.

A

Perfect.

(Blackout)

The author: John Carter

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